No Strings Attached
by Sketch
Summary: A love jutsu goes awry, and Kankuro is hit! Who’ll be the “lucky” one he sets his heart on? Lots of OOCness and bizarre humor. A KakaIru comedy. Keep out of reach of children. Yaoi if you don't know what it is, don't read! ON HOLD
1. Default Chapter

_AN- Ok, before we begin, I'd just like to say that this is one of those fics I like to put in the "Oh My Dear God, What The Hell Was I Thinking???" genre. You can expect insanity (which anyone would have to have a healthy dose of to even think of this pairing), inanity, humor, spoofy yaoi, and sappiness. Oh, and blatant KakaIru, because they just work together so well!! If any of the above offends/ bothers/ scares you, don't read the fic! This will be released in three to five parts, with each chapter posted as soon as Sau-chan has betad it. Reviews would be an awesome incentive to getting this done quicker, but I will update this, even if I only get one review _

_Don't own anyone, though I've been creating a rather nice collection of those small figurines.. . Also, this is the first blatant yaoi I've written, so please be kind and review, let me know what you think._

_And so, Ladies and... (Are there any guys who write/review on fanfiction.net? I don't think I've met too many...) Anyway, you people, enjoy the story, feel free to write stinging reviews, laugh at my jokes (or at me, as long as you're laughing, that's all that matters), and please leave me a review! I'd love to hear what you think!!_

**SLS** _6-29-04_

Summary: A love jutsu goes awry, and Kankuro is hit! Who'll be the "lucky" one he sets his heart on? Lots of OOCness and bizarre humor. Keep out of reach of children.

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**No Strings Attached**

**I**

"Ne, ne, Kakashi-sensei, why won't you teach me??"

Uzumaki Naruto, hero of his own comic and tv series (but not of this fic, for the most part), was whining at his teacher. He'd been doing it for over three hours now, and said sensei was beginning to lose his cool. Now, mind you, he hadn't lost it to the point that Gai-sensei could claim victory of coolness over the silver haired Jounin, but he was approaching that mark quickly. He'd had to reread the chapter of "Icha Icha Paradise" four times over now, and if asked he still wouldn't be able to tell you if the heroine had been rescued from the evil but darkly seductive villain holding her captive by her strong and oh so handsome hero. Hell, Kakashi wouldn't be able to tell anyone anything except that he needed to get away from his student before someone got hurt. Giving up, he sighed and shut his book, turning his eye down at the boy.

"Because, Naruto, like I've been telling you every time you ask me, I don't know a love jutsu. I don't know who or what gave you the idea that I do, but-"

"LIAR!" The blonde pointed angrily into his sensei's face. "I know you do! Why else would Iruka-sensei like you? You did some kinky jutsu on him to mess with his mind, and now he blushes every time you come near him! Besides, Pervert-Sennin-sensei said that he wasn't the one to ask, because he only tried it on Tsunade-baa-sama, and she always hit him before he could complete it, so he doesn't know if his version works or not. I wasn't going to forgive you for messing with Iruka-sensei's head, but I need the spell you used on him to make Sakura-chan look at me without that scary look in her eyes, so I'll let it slide this once if you just teach me! Senseeeeeeeiiiii!!!!"

Kakashi refrained from sighing again, but he closed his eye wearily. The brat just didn't give up. Well, the kid had gotten it partially right, at least. There was some kinkiness involved... If he went into detail about _how_ he got Iru-kun to like him, then the boy would never let him go near Iruka again, let alone forgive him. And while he didn't really care if Naruto was angry with him or not, he _did_ care about his sanity, which was slowly seeping away with every minute the boy spent ranting at him.

However, Hatake Kakashi wasn't known as a genius for nothing. Grinning to himself at the sudden brilliant insight he had, he opened his eye to look down at his still complaining pupil.

"Naruto." The boy looked up, startled mid-rant about Kakashi and how he was a lowlife big dork, cerulean eyes wide. Kakashi grinned down at him, eye curved up happily.

"I don't know a love jutsu, but I'm sure that if you talk to Hokage-sama, she can teach you one. After all, love has to do with the heart, and she's a doctor, right? So she'd know how to help you with these things." Naruto, puzzled by this logic, sat for several moments pondering what his teacher meant by 'these things'.

Tsunade-baa-sama did know a lot of stuff... and she was always saying that life was a gamble. Maybe she _could_ help him. But did she know a jutsu for putting love into someone's heart? Didn't she just fix people up and send them out of her office so she could sleep on her paper-work? The only person in the village he could think of who spoke openly about love and people making the most of their youth was scary-eyebrow-sensei, and there was no way in Hell he was going to talk to that weirdo. So that brought him back to Tsunade. She _was_ the Hokage and therefore responsible for making sure that people were learning what they needed to know... And she was a girl! So of course she'd know how to make Sakura-chan fall in love with him! She'd _have_ to help him, and Sakura-chan would fall madly and utterly in love with him! Then, he could go back to hating Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi watched the dawning realization spread across Naruto's face as he worked the idea out, the frown widening to his infamous grin. The older man mentally shook his head at the transparency of his student, at the same time knowing that Iruka would find it endearing. Thoughts of the other teacher soon led back to memories of _how_ he got Iruka to blush the way he always did, and he couldn't keep back a grin. He nudged Naruto with the tip of his boot, once again eager to have the boy leave him alone, but for another reason entirely. The young blonde looked up at him, eyes bright with anticipation.

"I take it back, sensei! You're not a completely useless no good bastard of a teacher all the time! Just most of the time. I've gotta run to Tsunade-baa-sama and get the scroll from her right away! Thanks, Kakashi-sensei!"

And with that, the blonde whirlwind was gone, racing off to wheedle a way to quick romance off of the unsuspecting Tsunade. Kakashi smirked, knowing the kid would be busy for quite some time, and spun on his heel, whistling tunelessly as he headed off to find a certain Dolphin and pick up an extra jar of peanut butter on the way....

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_**Meanwhile, in another section of Konohagure.....**_

"Waaaaiii!! It looks so cute on you, Temari-chan! You've got to get it!"

Sakura and Ino squealed in delight as the blonde spun slowly, showing off the kimono they'd made her try on. The Sand blonde blushed, looking at herself in the mirror again. It _was_ pretty cute... She glanced to the side to see what the other members of their shopping expedition thought, and sighed. (_AN- when did this shopping trip occur, you ask? Well, you know how there wasn't a manga strip released because of Golden Week? Well, everyone put their fights on hold and went back to various places to relax and enjoy the holiday. And to play a part in this fic. No, really_)

Why they'd brought the guys along, she still couldn't figure it out. Her brothers sat grumpily to one side, Kankuro fiddling with the wrappings on his doll, and Gaara looking like he wanted to kill someone. (Actually, he looked bored, but that usually ended up with someone dying to end the monotony. While Gaara _was_ trying to improve his social skills, they still needed some polishing). The other boys Sakura and Ino had somehow wheedled into coming along were leaning against the wall: Sasuke, staring moodily at his toes looked the most disgruntled of the group (except perhaps for Gaara), and Shikamaru was asleep.

Another sigh escaped her, and she silently thanked Kami that at least the people the two girls had brought to carry bags were quiet. Now, if Sakura-chan's other teammate, the loud mouthed–

"Sakura-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!!" Damn. Speak of the devil....

Naruto, huffing, doubled over to catch his breath as he came to a stop in front of the pink haired girl. He grinned up at her as he pulled himself up, standing proudly. She scowled down at him, crossing her arms menacingly.

"What do you want, Naruto? Can't you see I'm busy helping Temari-chan pick out something to wear to the festival tonight?" Ino decided to add her own two cents, coming to stand by her friend's side.

"Naruto! If you're here to harass Sakura-chan into going on a date with you to that crummy ramen stand, just make your pitch so she can hit you and we can get it over with! We're busy here, can't you see that?" Naruto, surprised at the fact that his darling Sakura-chan was not alone, looked dumbly at the rest of the group, then back at the Haruno girl.

"Sakura-chan, why didn't you ask me to come? I would've carried boxes for you! I can carry boxes way better than Sasuke or Shikamaru!" The mentioned boys glared at the blonde from their spots on the wall, each responding with their customary remarks:

"Che. How troublesome...."

"Hnn."

The two Sand-nin boys were the only ones who didn't react negatively to Naruto's appearance; Kankuro continued unraveling the cloth around his puppet, the only change in his demeanor was a raised eyebrow and a small smile. Gaara simply watched the scene with a detached gaze. __

_ At least he doesn't look like he's ready to go after the sales clerk anymore..._ Temari thought with relief. She fingered the tiny fan that was sold with the kimono, wondering how much damage she would be able to inflict if Sakura and Ino needed help getting rid of the nuisance. However, the boy surprised them all by reaching into his jacket, and pulling out a hot pink scroll, sealed with a heart emblem. The group stared as Naruto took a victory pose uncannily similar to Gai-sensei and Lee's "Good Guy" pose.

"I got something for you, Sakura-chan! It's-" The pink haired girl bashed a handy coat hanger over his head before he could finish.

"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER STUPID LOVE LETTER, NARUTO! I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, MY HEART IS ONLY FOR SASUKE!" The blonde pouted, wincing as he rubbed his new bump. The object of her affection also winced, although if it was from the volume of her cry or the content of it, none could tell. If one listened carefully though, you could hear an almost inaudible "Hnn..."

"But Sakura-chan... This is from the Hokage! It's a new spell she gave me, and I wanted to show it to you! Just watch me, you'll _love_ it!!" And with a flourish, he broke the seal, twirling it around himself ala pretty sailor scout style, complete with sparklies and a special background. Drawing in as much breath as he could, he shouted the spell he was about to perform.

"AI NO JUTSU!"

Now, Sakura, being a smart girl, recognized the word for 'love', and knew that if it was a jutsu, it probably meant that it had to be practiced before it was perfected. The scroll had been sealed when Naruto brought it out, meaning he hadn't tried it out before hand. Meaning he had no idea of what he was doing, for the most part. Meaning she was in big trouble. And Sakura, being the smart girl that she was, did the first thing she thought of.

She hit Naruto with the closet thing available, sending him crashing to the floor.

The closest thing available happened to be one of Kankuro's puppet's arms, which, unfortunately, was still connected to the puppet. Which Kankuro was holding onto, tangled in the mess of bandages that were usually wrapped securely around the weapon. He grabbed for one of the dress racks to keep his balance, but the thing tipped over with the weight, sending him into the blonde boy's path. The two fell together with a calamitous crash to the floor.

There was a moment of silence as the group and everyone else in the dress shop stared in silence at the tangled mass of limbs, bandages, and dresses. Sasuke, amazingly, was the first to break the silence.

"Hnn..."

A blonde head popped out of a paisley silk blouse, and Naruto scowled up at his rival.

"Dammit, Sasuke! This is all your fault, I know it is!" Shikamaru, the one who always had reason and thought put behind his words before he spoke, looked down at the blonde and scoffed.

"Keh. He was on the other side of the room, stupid. How could it be his fault?" Naruto, however, not to be deterred by logic and fact, jabbed a finger in Sasuke's direction.

"That doesn't matter! It's always his fault! He's such a big arrogant no good–" he was interrupted as a hand emerged from the heavy fabrics, smacking him upside the head. A disgruntled Kankuro quickly made his way to the surface, and he rubbed at his eyes furiously.

"Oy, you idiot, I think your spell was a dud. And if I end up blind because you smacked me... I'll let Gaara play with you." Naruto froze, peering up at the redhead fearfully, and Gaara looked down at him. Then gave a curt nod, acknowledging his brother's statement. Naruto shivered, sweat beginning to form on his brow.

"Ne, ne, I'm sure you're ok... Tsunade-baa-sama wouldn't give me a dud spell... I mean, she knew I wanted to use it on Sakura-chan, and-"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?? DIE, NARUTO!!!" Naruto let out a yelp as Sakura lunged at him, nails extended, teeth bared. Shaking himself free of the rest of the dresses, Naruto fled the scene, pleading with Sakura as she chased him away.

"Please- ow- Saku-ow!- ra-cha- ow, dammit, that hurt!- I'm sorry! Don't be- ouch!- angry!"

Temari ignored the two, helping her brother free from the pile of clothes.

"Kankuro, are you alright? Did that buffoon hurt you?" He shook his head, trying to clear it as he continued rubbing at his eyes.

"I'll be alright in a minute, he just hit me in the eyes as he twirled that damn thing around. I'm going.. to ... be..." He trailed off as his gaze focused, and his mouth fell open as the embodiment of perfection itself came into view. His sister, seeing his attention wander, looked up, and blinked.

There wasn't anyone suspicious outside, nor was there anything odd going on, if you discounted Naruto's continued pummeling by Sakura, and the bets Shikamaru, Ino and Sasuke were placing on how long he would last. There was only the small group they'd started with, Naruto, a few other shoppers... oh, and those two teachers the loud mouth always talked about. She couldn't remember who the brunette was, but she knew that the silver-haired one was Sakura-chan's sensei, and pretty strong. The other she'd only seen once or twice, and they'd never been introduced, so she didn't know his name. Her brother seemed to be staring right at them with an intensity that made her worry that something really was wrong.

"What's the matt- Kankuro? Kankuro!" Her brother had sprung to his feet, and was running towards the pair in the street. The two men looked up from their activities; Iruka, from bandaging and chastising both Sakura for hitting Naruto and Naruto for trying to perform a jitsu on Sakura, and Kakashi from reading his favorite book (and finally realizing that the heroine was saved- not by the strong and oh-so-handsome hero, however, but by her best friend's ex-husband's lover's nephew, who also happened to be the long lost twin brother of the strong and oh-so-handsome hero.) The two teachers glanced at each other before straightening and turning to Kankuro. Iruka put a hand forward, offering a smile to go along with it.

"It's Kankuro, isn't it? We haven't met yet, but-" and he was rudely pushed to the side as Kankuro slid in front of Kakashi, crossing his arms and scowling up at him. Kakashi looked back, slightly irritated that the boy had the audacity to shove _his_ Iruka away like that. He stared evenly into the boy's eyes, waiting for the confrontation to begin. Kankuro narrowed his eyes.

"Are you the one that goes by Scarecrow?" Kakashi, slightly taken aback, nodded, not sure where this conversation had come from or was going. Kankuro looked him over for a moment, then nodded sagely.

"I see. Very well then. You're mine." Iruka, having picked himself up from where he'd landed in the road, frowned, sensing territory he'd marked as his own being infringed upon. He went to Kakashi's side, gazing evenly at the younger boy.

"Kakashi-sensei has done nothing to bother you, and there's no need to pick a fight. Sand and Leaf are now allies, and-" Kankuro quickly cut him off, shaking his head.

"I didn't say I wanted to fight him. I claim him, he's mine." Kakashi, startled to say the least, rubbed the back of his head.

"Umm.. What?" Kankuro turned back to the silver-haired man, a smile forming on his lips.

"Your name. Scarecrow. It speaks to me." Kakashi blinked. He _really_ didn't know where this conversation was going...

"Scarecrows are like giant dolls, just stuffed with hay instead of sawdust. Dolls, no matter what the size, are very similar to puppets. And I'm a puppeteer. " He held up his puppet, still donning a flowery cap and some lacy undergarments. "Because of this logic, we should be together. The puppeteer and the almost-a-puppet. Or rather, the puppet with no strings attached."

Iruka spluttered in rage. This definitely counted as crossing territorial boundaries, and the boy needed to be put in his place.

"Excuse me, but I don't think you have a say in who Kakashi-sensei prefers to be with-" Kankuro, amazingly, nodded sympathetically.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I realize that this must be hard on you, as his ex-lover, but I'm afraid he can only love me now. Because he has pulled at my heart strings, I will become his new puppeteer. Only I am able to pull the strings that will make him dance a dance of blissful joy and ecstacy. But I am a fair man. I'll give you the rest of the afternoon to say your goodbyes. No-Strings," he smiled at Kakashi, bowing slightly, "I'll look for you at the festival tonight. It'll be our first date!" And with a flourish, he was gone, a trail of still unraveled bandages in his wake. Kakashi turned to Iruka, confused.

"What the hell just happened? And how did _I_ end up as uke?" Iruka, incensed, glared down at the mess of tangled strings Kankuro had left behind. Then, his gaze shifted, and Naruto wished he'd decided to stay peeping at the hot springs with Pervert-Senin-sensei again.

"I don't know... but we're going to find out. NOW."

_**In... whatever hotel the Sand-Nin were staying in for Golden Week**_

"Ah, No-Strings, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.... Your hair shines like the metal knives stashed in my puppets, your eyes– well, eye– is a bullet that pierces my heart. Your movements are a delicate twitch of the fingers, slow and graceful, simple yet stunning...."

Temari winced as her brother continued to practice the poems he was going to seduce the Scarecrow teacher with that evening, and looked to Gaara, the only one who hadn't said anything about Kankuro's predicament. Even Sasuke had said an enlightening "Hnn!!", but Gaara had remained silent. She walked over to him, whispering conspiratorially.

"Gaara, what do you think we should do?" They watched as their brother practiced kissing on one of his puppets dressed like a certain jounin.... And simultaneously shivered. Gaara shook his head, watching his older brother make a fool of himself. Temari bit her lip, watching Kankuro out of the corner of her eye.

"We need to find out what that spell did to him, and figure out how we can stop him before he makes a complete fool of himself. I'm going to see Hokage-sama; Gaara, can you watch him, and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid?" Gaara, watching his brother silently, gave a half nod, then sat down to regard his brother with half hooded eyes. Temari dashed out of the room to go interrogate the leaf's leader, and then pummel the idiot who messed with her brother's head.

_**Somewhere else**_

"Kyah! I swear, I didn't know it would work on guys too!! I only got it because Sakura-chan never even looks at me except to hit me...." Naruto pouted, quite a feat, since he was sporting multiple bumps given to him by Sakura and Ino every time something stupid came out of his mouth. Needless to say, he was pretty much black and blue by the time he got to where he got the scroll.

"...and after you said to go see the old hag, I did, and there were all these Anbu hanging around and saying she didn't want to be disturbed so I climbed up the tower from the outside and snuck into her room that way. When I found her, she and Pervert-Senin-sensei were playing a game of hide and seek under the desk, and she got angry because I think she thought I might've given her hiding spot away to Jiraiya-sensei, except that I know he already _knew_ it because he was under there with her when I came in. Anyway, she gave me the scroll and told me it wouldn't fail, no matter what I did that might screw it up, and that I shouldn't tell anyone that she and Jiraiya-sensei were-"

Iruka cut him off, not really wanting to know what it was that the two sennin had been doing. With patience only gained by years of teaching, Iruka kept his voice calm as he spoke.

"Alright, Naruto, that's fine, but did Hokage-sama say anything about how to break the spell? Did she give you a counter jutsu?" Naruto frowned and thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"No, the old hag seemed to be in a hurry or something, so she just gave me the scroll and told me to go try it out. She didn't say anything about it being permanent though. Maybe it'll wear off in a few hours..."

Iruka looked to Kakashi, who merely shrugged.

"Tsunade said that it was an extra blank scroll she had lying around, and that she told Naruto it had a spell on it to shut him up. She doesn't have a clue as to what might've happened to make Kankuro act as he is, but she's going to take a look at him first thing tomorrow morning- or afternoon, depending on how much she drinks tonight."

Iruka frowned at that, then turned to look at the young blonde sand-nin who was sending death glares in Naruto's direction. He sighed, knowing that the boy hadn't meant any real harm, and thus the mess he had created could be cleaned up and fixed eventually. Probably. Hopefully. He looked to Kakashi again, shrugging slightly and sighing.

"I don't think there's much we can do, then, except try to keep him away from you until Tsunade-sama has looked him over. I'm sure your brother will be fine, Temari," he added, seeing her scowl deepen. She kept fidgeting with her large fan, pulling it open a few inches before snapping it shut, the movement very much akin to a guillotine's chop or a shark's bite. Iruka made a mental note to make sure Naruto was kept far away from the girl until her brother had returned to normality. He really didn't want to see any lasting damage on Naruto, though he had to admit he wouldn't have blamed the girl for snapping and going after him. Trying to steer away Temari's thoughts of DOOM (tm) for Naruto from the forefront of her mind, he smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"He'll be alright, Temari. Tsunade-sama is very wise, and is very skilled in many jutsu. She'll be able to figure out what Naruto did and reverse everything." The girl, still scowling, nodded succinctly before turning to the other teacher.

"Hatake-san, I am sorry that you are the target of... this mess. Let me speak on behalf of my brother, we are very sorry for troubling you in any way. When this is over, I'm sure Kankuro will want to apologize in person. It isn't like him to be so rude or forceful, and I ask that you please excuse him." Kakashi, still a little miffed at the implication that Kankuro would make _him_ uke, nodded curtly, but forced himself to relax, turning to Iruka.

"We'll just have to avoid him at the festival tonight, that's all. It won't be too hard- we _are_ ninja, after all. We can disappear when we need to, and stay out of trouble. Or, we can skip the festival altogether. I have several good ideas of what we can do when everyone else is out partying...." At this, a hentai grin spread across his face so widely you could see it through the mask. Iruka's response was a brilliant flush of red. Naruto, for his part, forgot about his promise to himself to not hate Kakashi-sensei until after Sakura had fallen madly in love with him.

"You kinky bastard! If you do anything that hurts Iruka-sensei, I'll-!!" Iruka cut him off before he could finish the sentence, trying to get rid of the red staining his cheeks as he took charge of the situation.

"Well, there isn't anything more we can do until tomorrow, so we may as well part ways. Temari, we'll let you know where we're going to be so that you can avoid those areas; please do what you can to... control... your brother." She nodded, threw a parting glare at Naruto, then left, off to return to her brothers. Naruto, for his part, had the decency to look guilty.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei... I'm sorry..." Iruka gave him a smile, ruffling the blonde mop affectionately.

"It's alright, Naruto. Thing's work themselves out. It'll be just like a mission, and we could all use the practice of our subtly. Kakashi and I will simply fade into the crowd, and Kankuro will have to give up after a while. Now, there's one thing I want you to promise me before you go home and get cleaned up."

The boy nodded fervently as the teacher helped him up, brushing himself down before peering up into his adored teacher's face. Iruka saw the guilty look Naruto was giving him, and smiled gently to let the boy know he wasn't as angry with him any more.

"Don't ever use a spell other than a healing spell on one of your comrades again. It was a lucky break this time that no one was hurt, but if you do something like this again in the future, someone could be seriously injured if the spell went wrong. Promise me you'll think it through next time, ok?" The boy's head continued nodding, and Iruka cast a side glance to where Kakashi was sending the other kids out.

"Don't worry, Naruto. One day, you'll run into someone you'll be head over heels for, and you won't need a spell for them to look at you, because they'll already be crazy for you. Just give it time, and things'll work out. Now, go on home, and we'll see you tonight, alright?"

The boy jumped up and hugged his teacher around the middle before dashing to the door. He threw a parting insult to Kakashi as he ran out the door, and raced home to get ready for that evening.

Kakashi closed the door and turned to Iruka, who sighed and ran fingers through his hair in agitation as he sat down in a chair. The brunette looked up when arms came around his shoulders, and he gave an apologetic smile to Kakashi.

"I'm sorry things have gotten so complicated. He didn't mean any harm, he just always seems to end up getting into trouble..." Kakashi smirked, sitting down next to the other man.

"That's putting it mildly, to say the least. But like you said, things will work out. In the meantime, I know ways we can pass the time..." His smirk turned to a leering grin, and he held up an innocent jar.

"Peanut butter?"

* * *

_To read about Kakashi's seduction of Iruka, read the side story written by my good friend Sweetmoons! It's coming out soon... I think. _

_This story is for you, Sau-chan, for getting me re-hooked into Naruto! And for making me a fan of KakaIru stories, of course!!!_

_Look for the next part sometime in the near future! Please leave a review, and thanks for reading!!_

_SLS_


	2. Chapter 2

_AN- Before we begin, a big thank you to those who reviewed!! I really appreciate all of your comments and encouragements, and I hope this chapter lives up to expectations!! _

_Please keep reviewing, let me know what you think, what you'd like to see, and if you think this is funny enough! (I'm a review junky) I'm trying to be humorous, really, I am!! _

_Sorry for the delay in getting this out- it was dead for a while, but I got inspired thanks to Sau-chan and here's the next chapter, at over 20 pages in length! I think you'll be able to tell pretty quickly I've been having a blast writing this chapter._

_Anyway, still don't own anyone, but I got a Kakashi action figure for my birthday!! hugs Kakashi-sensei Waiii, I luuuuv you Kaka-sens- ack! His head fell off!! I didn't do it!!_

_Note- No animals were harmed during the production of this fic- except for a certain dolphin's head, but he did that to himself, so you can't blame me!_

_...;;; Don't mind me. Enjoy the fic, and please review!!! Now, let the insanity intensify and commence!!_

_SLS _

_Summary: A love jutsu goes awry, and Kankuro is hit! Who'll be the "lucky" one he sets his heart on? Lots of OOCness and bizarre humor. Keep out of reach of children._

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**No Strings Attached**

_**Chapter II**- In which Naruto gets stalked and has a major ego-trip, Kakashi needs to buy more shower gel, Jiraiya wonders about the scroll, Gai makes a fool of himself (ok, what else is new, right?) , and the love jutsu-scroll resurfaces!_

Naruto wandered the deserted streets, limping slightly as he made his way home from Iruka's apartment. Sakura, Ino and Temari had really beaten the crap out of him, and he gently probed lumps and bruises that were swelling all over his face. He winced as he touched a particularly sore part of his jaw, then sighed, making his way to the side of the road to get out of the afternoon sun. Thank God for Kyuubi's healing powers, or he wouldn't be able to fully enjoy the festival!

The streets around him were quiet; everyone was either setting up things for the festival that evening or they were preparing themselves inside so they could hit the street vendors for dinner when the celebration started. The street that Naruto was making his way down, however, was in a section where there were mostly warehouses, and so there were few people about. Not that he was worried about being attacked. He just wanted the lump under his right eye to hurry up and heal so that he could close it properly. So preoccupied with making a mental list of his maladies, Naruto let out a startled yelp when an impatient cough sounded less than ten feet away from him.

Naruto, after recovering from his shock and the fall that had ensued from that shock, stared at the figure in front of him. Of all the people to meet in a deserted alley where the shadows were beginning to swallow up everything, and there was no one who could (or would) rescue him within shouting distance.... Drawing himself up as much as he could without doubling over in pain, Naruto stood his ground in front of the imposing person, doing his best to look confident and not as though he wanted nothing more than a five day nap. He tried to put some of this coolness into his voice, but this failed, coming out in a slightly panting, wavering voice.

"G-Gaara..."

The redhead, stonily silent, remained where he was, but nodded in greeting. Or, maybe he was nodding in agreement that his name was Gaara, and that he was acknowledging Naruto's existence before he snuffed it out. You never knew with the psychopathic sand-nin. Naruto's breathing grew heavier, and he fought to keep his knees from knocking together.

Naruto knew that, on a good day and with a lot of luck, he could beat Gaara again. He'd done it once, and, while it'd be a painful experience, he could do it again. But, fighting the other boy right there and then would take a lot of concentration, and if he made Kyuubi help him beat up the demon racoon, the fox wouldn't be able to heal him up in time to get him to the festival as it opened. And, if he didn't get to the festival as it opened, he might miss the deadline for the special raffle for an unlimited Ramen pass at the Ichiraku! He'd already made a bet with Teme-Sasuke that he'd get it, and if he didn't, well.... the consequences were too horrible to remember! With this came another shudder, and Naruto wondered if he should bother trying to protect himself against Gaara. If he didn't win that Ramen Raffle, what purpose did Life hold for him? Simple. There would be nothing for him. Ramen WAS Life.

But... if he didn't try to at least fight Gaara off a little, the sand-nin would go and tell everyone that he was weak, and then Sasuke would think he had the upper hand! And he'd be gone, so he wouldn't be able to kick Sasuke's ass for thinking such things! And then he wouldn't be able to impress Sakura-chan into liking him after handing Sasuke his ass! And never mind Sasuke! He had promised Iruka-sensei that he would take him out for dinner when he won the Ramen Raffle!! He couldn't let his sensei down! Hell, maybe he should fight Gaara and beat him again, then they could all celebrate over Ramen- his treat! Maybe, if he was in a reaaaaaaaally good mood and if the other boy got down on his knees and begged and swore that Naruto was better, he'd let Sasuke have a noodle. And if he was feeling exorbitantly generous, maybe even _two_ noodles.

An unholy grin crept over Naruto's face as the image of Sasuke begging Naruto for a bowl of Ramen popped into the blonde's head. As the scene played out in Naruto's head, it went something like this....:

_"Oh, Naruto-sama! You are so cool! I wish that I was half as cool as you!" _

_"Naruto-kun, can I be your girlfriend? I'll make you Ramen all the time! Any toppings you want, any time you want!!"_

_"Naruto, I wish I could've seen you beat up that big sand dork!! Thank goodness I got to see you kick Sasuke's butt- not once, but six times! Oh Naruto-kun, you're soooooo hot!!!"_

_Naruto nodded at the posse sitting at adjoining tables, not really caring who said what. They were all telling the truth- he WAS cool. Iruka-sensei would come over and sit right next to him, and ruffle his hair and give him a grin and say "I'm so proud of you Naruto. You've followed your dreams and you've come so far. You don't know how happy I am to have you as my almost-not-quite-little brother! Naruto, I'm so proud!!!!!" And Iruka sensei would burst into tears and hug him, and then eat the Ramen that Naruto had ordered special for him- fish, 'cause Iruka-sensei always liked fish in everything he ate._

_Then, Kakashi-sensei, Pervert Senin-sensei and the old hag would come in too, and he'd let them have some Ramen too. But Tsunade-baa-sama would stand there sternly, looking down at him over the mountains that were her breasts._

_"Naruto-kun. I heard that you were fighting again." And everyone would get real quiet as she spoke. She'd keep going, "Not only did you defeat that sand boy again, you also gravely injured your former teammate, Sasuke. I have to say that I'm....." And everyone would lean in real close to hear what she'd have to say. She'd lean down and look him straight in the eye._

_"Very impressed!!" The room would burst into cheers, and Tsunade would squeeze him to her chest, making it hard to breath but not unhappily so. She'd keep going on, tears streaming down her face._

_"I'm sooooooo proud of you, Naruto-kun!! In fact, we've all discussed it, and I'm resigning. You're going to be the new and bestest Hokage ever!"_

_The party would go into full blast, and everyone would be there. All the other Genins, the various senseis, everyone! And everyone would be eating Ramen, having a great time until...._

_The door would swing open, and Sasuke would be standing there._

_Actually, no, wait, he wouldn't be standing there, he'd be leaning on the doorframe, still all beat up and bloody from the last time Naruto kicked his butt. And he'd limp over to Naruto, and give him the closest thing an Uchiha could get to puppy-eyes with the Sharingan._

_"Na-Naruto..." he'd cough, spitting out some blood. "C-can I have s-some.... Ramen..? "_

_The room would be silent again, waiting for Naruto's decision. Would the blonde kick Sasuke's ass yet again? Would he send the other boy away? Naruto would look to one side, then to the other, thinking, face stern. Then..._

_"Of course, Teme. You can even have chopsticks too. I won't begrudge anyone Ramen, because Ramen is Life, and everyone deserves a chance at life." And the assembly would nod at his sage advice, and Sasuke would be propped up on the table so he could eat the bowl of Ramen Naruto had so graciously allowed him. And Sakura would be so impressed by everything that Naruto had done that she'd run over and admit that she always liked him better than Sasuke, she just didn't want to make him think she was easy! And then they'd all stay up and party the rest of the night, and the Ramen would be ever-flowing!_

The redhead watched the blonde with a slight frown of confusion. The blonde boy's face was a rapid blur of all kinds of emotion; fear, irritation, anger, sadness, smug amusement and on and on. As for himself, Gaara had problems displaying more than four emotions: boredom, irritation, pissed off, and 'don't make me sic my demon racoon on you' anger. He'd been able to do the sadness thing when he was younger, but he was having problems relearning the skill of crying (except when he got sand in his eyes, then he had no problem). He hadn't yet been able to produce a smile that didn't give anyone the chills to look at it, so he'd had to settle on displaying boredom when he was content. Of course, looking bored could also mean that he was beginning to get irritated because nothing was happening and that he might snap at any minute. You never could really tell until the ground started to shift and you found yourself thirty feet up in the air in the middle of a sand coffin. By that time, it was usually too late.

Because confusion was not one of the four emotions he was really capable of displaying, Gaara was standing in the middle of the road, looking bored with a frown on his face. Arms crossed across his chest, he continued to watch the boy in front of him display an impressive array of emotions. When he saw that Naruto was not about to stop showing off his collection of emotional displays, Gaara's frown deepened, and he took a few steps forward. This made the blonde stop mid-chuckle, his oblivion to everything around him ebbing away as reality faded back to him. It took him several minutes to remember where he was, but when he did, Naruto changed his emotional display from gloating satisfaction to wide-eyed fear.

Gaara relaxed slightly. Now, fear he could cope with. He knew how to deal with fear. He smirked, looking slightly less bored and now in his 'irritated' stage of emotion, until he remembered why it was he had come. He stopped in mid step, and his emotion returned to bland boredom.

"Naruto." The fox-boy blinked, gulped, and replied in a small voice.

"Yes...?"

"Why did you hit my brother with a love jutsu?" Naruto's eyes widened in surprise, then he began to frantically wave his arms around as he explained.

"I didn't mean to! I was aiming for Sakura-chan, but she ducked and used your brother as a shield, and-" Gaara cut him off abruptly.

"I was there, and I know what I saw. You deliberately hit him when Sakura moved him into your line of fire. You are a ninja. If you had not wanted to hit Kankuro, you would have stopped the scroll from touching him." Naruto gulped, not sure of how to respond to this. If he said he wasn't able to stop the scroll, it'd make him look like a weeny ninja in front of Gaara, who would probably tear him apart for being so disgraceful. However, if he said he'd hit Kankuro on purpose, Gaara would still tear him apart for inflicting violence on his older brother. It was a lose-lose situation. He chewed his lip, pondering how to answer this and not get torn to bits. Gaara beat him to the punch, however.

"Naruto, are you in Love with my brother?"

Naruto, never quite sure of what to expect from the crazy sand-nin, had definitely NOT expected that. Spluttering in horror and fear at the conclusion Gaara had come up with, Naruto tried to explain.

"N-NO, are you nuts?!? Not that I think you're crazy or anything, I mean, sure, most people call you the psychopathic raccoon-crazy eyebrowless freak, but that's better than big eyebrows and his scary sensei! Not that I don't think you're not scary, I mean, I could beat you if I wanted to- not that I DO- but you're still pretty creepy. But KANKURO? I mean, your brother is a nice guy and everything, Gaara, but I was really aiming for Saukra-chan! I mean, not that I wouldn't _want_ to date your brother or anything, he's not, uh, ugly or anything- Not that I think he could be ugly! It's just, uhh..."

Gaara nodded as he saw the blonde's discomfort. So, he had been right after all. He closed the distance between them, coming to lay a hand on the other boy's shoulder. Naruto, by this time, was quaking in his boots, both at Gaara's proximity and the idea of being a boyfriend to Kankuro. When Gaara put his hand on Naruto's shoulder, it was all the blonde could do to keep from bolting.

"Uzumaki." Gaara waited until the shorter boy was looking up at him. He still had his bored look in place, but he could feel the beginnings of a smile on his face. He'd have to run back to the hotel bathroom and check to be sure, but he could feel some definite twitches at the corners of his mouth. Maybe emotion number five wasn't so far away after all!! However, now was not the time for such trivial things. This boy was obviously in need of some serious help, and he had to concentrate on the task at hand. Twitching the corners of his mouth to a non-psychopathic smile would have to come later.

"I understand how you feel. Do not be ashamed of your secret Love of my brother. And do not worry. Tonight, at the festival, I shall help you win his heart. You are much more deserving than that bum of a teacher, because you have justified your existence. I will do what I can to assist you in your mission for Love. Until tonight." He gave a curt nod of his head, and then he was gone, vanishing into a cloud of sand.

Naruto, for his part, stood quaking where he was for some time. His brain tried desperately to figure out what had just happened, and how it had all come to Gaara deciding to play matchmaker between himself and shudder Kankuro. After a good half an hour had passed and still no progress in either attempt had been made, he shook his head dumbly, then started back towards his home to go lock himself in a closet somewhere. Maybe, if he skipped the festival, he could avoid all three sand-nin and thus any problems they might bring with them. Maybe he'd go hang out with Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei until the festival was over, since they weren't going to be going either! And then, when the three siblings had left, he could pretend that none of this had happened. Yes, that sounded like a plan....

_**

* * *

Back at Kakashi's Apartment**_

"Why is it that, no matter how long I'm in there, and no matter how hard I've scrubbed or how much soap I've used, I always feel dirtier coming out of the shower than when I first go in?"

This was spoken by our beloved dolphin teacher, clad in naught but a pair of boxers, a towel around his neck, and a very becoming blush across his cheeks. Kakashi, the one who had been asked the question, looked up from where he was sitting and reading his favorite book, and gave the other man a leering grin.

"Because, Iru-koi, you can't help but think about me when you're in there. I know you don't want to admit it, but it's true!" The 'true' was drawn out, and ended with a wink. Iruka, for his part, glared at Kakashi, the blush fading as anger began to take shape.

"It's a little hard _not_ to think about you, considering it's your bathroom, your towels, your shampoo, your shower gel, and _you kept saying obscene things through the bathroom door!"_ Kakashi pouted, flipping back a few pages to look over what he'd read to Iruka. He didn't see what was so bad- he'd just wanted to entertain Iruka, and it had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Besides, Jiraiya-sama had such a way with words!

"Well, I wouldn't have had to read you all of that if you hadn't locked the door and told me to stay out... I could have _shown_ you what he wrote about!" Iruka gave him a death glare, successfully fighting off the "puppy dog eyes no jutsu" Kakashi was sending his way.

"I locked the door because I wanted to at least get somewhat clean before we went out tonight. If I had let you into the bathroom, I never would have gotten around to washing my hair. And don't give me that look, Kakashi. It's your fault I had to take a shower in the first place..."

As Iruka's sentence trailed off, their gazes both fell on the jar of peanut butter, lying innocently (and quite empty) under the kitchen table. Their eyes then flickered up to meet, and Iruka turned several shades darker than before. Kakashi merely grinned even more lasciviously, gently putting a bookmark into his book. He leaned forward, looking at Iruka through hooded eyes.

"You know... " he drawled out, his one eye darting to the door that led to the bedroom beyond, " we don't _have_ to go to the festival tonight... In fact, maybe it would be best to stay, considering we've got an overly-hormonal brat lusting after me, and we did rent that movie-"

"I am NOT watching the 'Icha Icha Paridise" movie with you! Besides, I promised Naruto that I would buy him a ticket for the ramen raffle-"

"IRUKA SENSEI!!! HELP!!!"

Iruka, thanks to his fast -action- super -cool- ninja skillz, was able to keep his balance in the chair as the whirlwind known as his former student, Uzumaki Naruto, blew the door down and blustered into the room into said sensei's lap. Iruka, quite caught off-guard by the boy's entrance, stared down in bewilderment at the shaking bundle of orange jacket.

"N-Naruto?" Instantly, Iruka's 'mother hen' instincts kicked in, and he was examining the boy, looking for blood or any sign of what had spooked the child. He pried Naruto's fingers off of the towel (he was afraid he might choke otherwise), and, after throwing a surprised glance to Kakashi, began asking dozens of questions all at once.

"What's the matter? Are you hurt? Did someone attack you? Are you alright? Did you hurt them? Was anyone else injured? Where did they get you, are you bleeding? Do you need some ice or bandages? Just tell me what you need wrapped and I'll get some cloth and splint any broken bones you have. What were you thinking, going around by yourself at this time of night? You could have been killed!"

Naruto, now completely sure that he was indeed safe in Iruka-sensei's lap, looked up at his former teacher with a slightly odd look on his face.

"Ano... Iruka-sensei... It's only five o'clock. The sun hasn't even set yet....." Iruka blushed, then, to cover up his embarrassment, ruffled the boy's hair.

"What's the matter then? Why'd you come in, screaming as though there was something the matter? If you're not hurt, what's wrong?"

Naruto shuddered again, burrowing his head into Iruka's shoulder. This elicited a surprised exchange between the two teachers, Kakashi beginning to look just as worried as Iruka. Iruka gently brought Naruto's face up to look at him.

"Naruto? What's wrong?" The tears running down Naruto's face made the brown haired Chuunin's heart ache. What could have possibly happened to upset the boy so much?

"I was j-just going home, t-to get ready to win the R-Ramen R-Raffle, when I m-met G-Gaara, and... and... and...!!!!" The two teachers exchanged looks, the tension in the room becoming almost tangible.

"And..?" Kakashi prodded, coming to squat down by the pair. Naruto turned to look at the jounin before putting his head back into Iruka's shoulder and wailing.

"AND HE THINKS I'M IN LOVE WITH KANKURO AND THAT I PURPOSEFULLY HIT HIS BROTHER WITH THE SPELL BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME AND NOW HE'S GOING TO TRY TO MAKE KANKURO LOVE ME AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO BECAUSE KANKURO IS FREAKY AND I ONLY LOVE SAKURA-CHAN AND THIS IS ALL BASTARD SASUKE'S FAULT AND IF I TELL GAARA I'M NOT INTERESTED IN KANKURO HE'LL EAT ME!! ....or... something. "

The two teachers stared at the boy, speechless. Kakashi then blinked, letting out a low whistle.

"I'd be pretty upset too, if someone thought I was in love with that puppet kid. It's bad enough with him acting as he is and I'm not interested- if he thought there was a chance, and he got his brother to help him...." Kakashi shook his head, patting the boy on the shoulder before getting up to return to his seat. "Sucks to be you!" was the blithe last word the jounin had on the matter, and he was back to reading his book. Iruka gave the other teacher a scowl, which Naruto took this as a good sign. The boy tugged on Iruka's towel, turning the chuunin's attention back to him.

"So, while the festival is going on, can I stay here with you, Iruka-sensei? I wanna go quick and get the Ramen Raffle ticket, of course, but after that can I stay here? I don't want to have to face Gaara alone!"

Kakashi tried not to let the irritation sound too much in his voice, although he was having some trouble.

"Naruto, this is _my_ apartment, I think I should have a say in whether or not you can stay..." Kakashi trailed off as Iruka shot him a dirty look that plainly said 'don't be mean or else'. However, the silver-haired jounin brightened at this, because the 'or else' part of the glare implied that Iruka was willing to compromise on the night's activities. Even if they would end up stuck with Naruto, there were plenty of things to keep the boy occupied so that Kakashi and Iruka could go into another room and discuss the 'or else'. Kakashi glanced up at Iruka when the other teacher nudged him.

"You've got that gleam in your eye again," said the chuunin, warning in his voice. Then, he returned his attention to the boy still clinging to him like there was no tomorrow. As much as he wished to deny it, Iruka could sympathize with the boy. If Gaara approached _him_ in the streets and promised to play matchmaker, he'd find a place to hide too. And, while he was somewhat disappointed that an evening alone with Kakashi might be out of the picture, he was also somewhat relieved that he wouldn't have to watch the hentai film Kakashi had spent forty minutes oggling over and begging Iruka to rent it for him in the video store. The "puppy-dog-eyes- no jutsu" had caught him off guard, and he'd regretted agreeing to the rental every step of the way back to Kakashi' apartment, despite the happy look that had graced the other man's face.

Iruka pried Naruto off of the towel, setting the boy down on the sofa next to him.

"Naruto, I understand that you might be a little worried over your, erm, predicament, but don't you think you'll forget about Gaara after you've gone to the festival and played some games? Don't you want to see your friends there? I'm sure Sakura will be disappointed if you don't go." _I'm sorry Sakura_, Iruka mentally apologized. _But I think it's for the better if Naruto goes out and enjoys himself tonight. It is Golden week only once a year! _

__Naruto thought over this, wondering if Iruka-sensei _really_ thought that Sakura-chan would be upset if he wasn't there, or if the teachers just wanted him out of the way so they could do whatever it was they did when they were alone. Kakashi smiled, pushing the blonde's button a little further.

"Naruto, you're welcome to stay here if you really want to, but if you don't go to the festival tonight, you won't be able to win a super-big stuffed animal for Sakura. _And_ Sasuke will think that you're too chicken to come defeat him at the ring-toss." Kakashi didn't mentally apologize to either student, because he really, _really_ wanted to watch his movie..... Still, the blonde hesitated. The heavy artillery was brought out by the brown-haired chuunin as a last resort.

"Naruto... The festival's already started. If you don't go soon, you'll miss your chance at the Ramen Raffle."

"ACK! NO! MY RAMEN!!!! Iruka-sensei, you're right! I've gotta go get my Ramen raffle ticket! And you promised you'd get me one too, remember? We've gotta hurry up and get over there while there're still tickets left!!" And then, the boy was up on his feet, pulling Iruka towards the door. The flustered man ground in his heels, stopping Naruto in his tracks.

"We're not going to the festival right now, Naruto. Kakashi and I had some.... things... planned for the evening." He didn't have to turn around to see the hentai grin spreading across the jounin's face, he could tell by the slight shift in the room that Kakashi's mind was in the gutter. The chakra he felt aimed in his direction was giving off the vibes that the quicker Naruto was out of the apartment, the sooner those other "things" could be further developed and actualized. The blush broke free and colored Iruka's cheeks a nice shade of scarlet.

Naruto would hear none of it though. He turned to glare over at Kakashi, who was indeed sending some chakra over in Iruka's direction to attempt to get the other man to hurry up and boot the brat out. Naruto pointed a finger in Kakashi's direction, other hand on his hip.

"I don't know what Iruka-sensei and you have planned, but he's gotta come buy Ramen tickets with me! Iruka-sensei promised to buy me a ticket for the raffle!! He's gotta come with me so that he can get it!! I'll bring him back afterwards, I promise! But if we don't hurry, they'll be all gone and it'll be your fault that I didn't get my Ramen!"

Iruka looked back at Kakashi, giving a "it'll only be for a little while" glance over his shoulder. Kakashi pouted back, but shrugged, flipping his book open and propping his feet up on the coffee table. He gave a quick wink and a "hurry back, I've got some plans..." glance to the chuunin before engrossing himself once again in "Icha Icha Paradise". Iruka smiled down at Naruto (who'd been completely oblivious to the whole glancing conversation between the two and was growing ever more impatient as he was sure more and more tickets were being sold as they dawdled).

"I'll come with you Naruto-"

"GREAT!! C'mon, Iruka-sensei!! We've gotta hurry, or-"

"_After_ I've put some clothes on. Kakashi, I'll be back in a little bit, alright?"

Naruto looked over his teacher, realized that Iruka-sensei probably shouldn't go to the festival dressed only in black boxer shorts, and huffed irritably, going to wait (in an impatient sulk) by the door. Iruka gave a smile, and hurried into the bedroom to get some clean clothes. A few minutes later, they were out the door, and off to the festival on a very important mission: buy some tickets for the Ramen Raffle contest.

_**

* * *

Mainstreet of Konohagure, aka where the festival is taking place**_

"Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!"

Sasuke froze, instinctively increasing his senses so that he could figure out who was stalki- calling him. Being the good student that he was, he instantly recognized Sakura and Ino rapidly approaching from behind, and, being the angsty pretty-boy with an aversion to any social event that he was, he was instantly on his guard, scanning the area for a place to hide. He spotted the perfect place, only a few meters away. If he could just get there before they made visual contact-!

He never made it. In his hurry to get away from the rabid fangirls behind of him, he never bothered checking in front on him, and thus crashed headfirst into someone hurrying towards the girls and apparently not watching where he was going either. The fleeing pretty-boy fell to the ground with a stream of curses, and Sasuke looked up to see who had halted his retreat. The foul words he was about to unleash upon the stupid git standing above him were checked when he saw Iruka-sensei peering over said git's shoulder. Sasuke glared at the blonde nimrod, pushing himself up.

"Sasuke-kun? Are you alright?" the brunette teacher asked anxiously, helping the boy brush himself off. "Where were you going in such a hurry that you didn't see Naruto?" Sasuke opened his mouth to reply when two shrill voices shouted behind him.

"SASUKE-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!" He flinched, pulling away from Iruka and Naruto. The chance to escape had passed, and he was captured. He threw one of his more vicious glares in Naruto's direction.

"HNNN," he said angrily, poetically summing up his anger with his blonde teammate before turning to make his escape. Naruto, not to be outdone, brought up his fists, shouting right back at him.

"Teme! Sasuke, you bastard, you say that to my face! Why were you running so fast anyway? Wait!" The cerulean eyes narrowed as a thought crossed Naruto's mind, "You were trying to keep me from getting to the Ramen Raffles, weren't you? You wanted to cheat so you could win the bet! Bastard Sasuke, you're cheating!! No fair keeping me from the -SAKURA-CHAN!! HELLOOOOO!!!!"

Sasuke flinched, the "dobe" dying on his lips. He quickly brought up his hands, did a few fancy shmancy hand seals, and 'poofed' out of sight. Sure enough, Sakura and Ino had pushed their way through the crowd and were hurrying over to where Iruka, Naruto (and formerly Sasuke) were standing. The girls had a wild look in their eyes, panting heavily and rolling their eyes back and forth, searching for their beloved Sasuke-kun. Naruto began espousing all of his best qualities and worst poetry to the pink haired girl, which she pointedly ignored as she peered around. Finally, she looked up to her former sensei when she found no trace of her beloved Sasuke.

"Iruka-sensei, have you seen Sasuke-kun anywhere? I could've sworn that I sensed him here a moment ago..."

Ino, seeing Naruto, shrugged and shook her head.

"It's no use. If Naruto's here, Sasuke-kun's sure to have left. I'm sure he knew that you two would want some time alone, since Naruto's your _boyfriend_ and everything!" Ino cackled as Inner-Sakura began to emerge from the deep, turning normal-Sakura's face an impressive shade of red (meaning it almost rivaled Iruka-sensei at his best blush. Almost.)

"Anyway," the blonde continued mercilessly, "I'm going to leave you two alone and go find MY boyfriend. Oh Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!!!!" And with that, Ino skipped off, leaving a spluttering Sakura, an embarrassed Naruto, and a very tired Iruka in her wake. Naruto, being the oblivious boy that he was, took the red on Sakura's face for embarrassment as well and twirled a toe in the dirt.

"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan. It's ok. They're all going to know you're my girlfriend sometime..." he trailed off as Sakura turned to face him, and he realized his mistake. Iruka tried to intervene, putting his hands up in Naruto's defense.

"Sakura-chan, you need to calm down a little, I-"

"NARUTO, YOU IDIOT! I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND! DIE!" and she punched Naruto with an impressive right hook, sending the love-struck Naruto hurtling into the sky and off into the distant horizon. Iruka sighed as he finished his sentence.

"-saw Sasuke-kun go that way." He pointed over his shoulder in the opposite direction she had punted Naruto, and she ran off in with a squealed thanks before calling her prey again.

"SASUKE-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNN!!!!"

Iruka sighed wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose to stop the headache he knew would be coming any minute now. Less than ten minutes had passed since they'd left the apartment, and already the Icha Icha Paradise movie was looking better... He blanched when he realized what had just passed through his mind, and shook his head vigorously to rid any other desperate thoughts that might sneak up on him. Ramen! He had to find Naruto so they could enter the contest and get out of there as soon as possible. Although, considering what awaited him once he escaped from the festival, maybe he'd take the long way back and stop by the school. And grade papers. For several hours.

He took one last look around, making sure that the area was clear, then leaned down towards one of the barrels sitting up against the wall of the ramen stand. He knocked on it lightly, whispered softly, then began to walk in the general direction of where Sakura-chan had punted Naruto, nodding to parents and students as he passed. He chanced a glimpse back to see hooded Sharingan eyes blink from under the barrel lid, then disappear as the top went down again. Iruka smiled to himself, then continued on his way. If Sasuke-kun wished to hide a little longer, who was he to stop the boy? The Sharingan would help him if he were truly in desperate need to escape. Besides, he needed to find Naruto! He stepped up his pace a bit, and headed for the most likely place Naruto would gravitate to: the raffle tables.

Despite the festival's rather abrupt start for him, he found he was beginning to relax as he wandered the streets, looking at the goods the store owners offered and the games the children were playing. He used to play some of those same games when he was younger, and the memories brought a gentle smile to his face. He made a mental note to treat Naruto to a game or two once he'd found the blonde whirlwind, then turned to look at the booth with the raffles on it.

There were more prizes than usual this year, and all were aimed towards a variety of audiences. There were the usual restaurant gift certificates and the movie passes, the free ramen pass (of course), the free subscriptions to various magazines and the gigantic stuffed animals no one with any taste would try to win. There were vacation packs and art supplies, weapon polish and ninja gear, posters (one of the most obnoxious being a full sized picture of Jiraiya surrounded by scantily clad women, autographed and framed. Iruka wondered who in their right mind would want such a thing) and scuba gear, and on the last table..... He nearly cried when he saw what it held.

He just couldn't escape it!

Another huge poster had been set up-this one of Jiraiya's leering face surrounded by voluptuous women, and under it the words "Icha Icha Paradise Movie- Get the uncut, uncensored, limited edition director's cut DVD! It comes with hours of extra footage, deleted scenes, author's commentary, a free cosplay outfit and a signed limited-edition platinum version of the latest in the Icha Icha Paradise series- 'Icha Icha Pickup Lines!'. Be sure to enter for this once in a lifetime opportunity! Must be 18 or older to enter."

Iruka, stunned, stood staring at the sign. They actually put this in _public_ where the children could see it? What on earth were they thinking? Jiraiya had gone too far this time, this was truly unacceptable! He'd have to report this to Tsunade-sama immediately! What kind of perverts did they think lived in Konohagure?

And he stopped, closed his eyes, and resister the urge to bang his head against the wall.

_Kakashi....._

He frowned at the offensive poster, at a quandary. He didn't want to support Kakashi's dirty hobbies any more than he wanted to watch the movie. But the look on Kakashi's face if he DID win the Icha Icha bundle prize would be priceless, and would get him at least a week of Kakashi doing whatever he wanted. He might be able to convince the jounin to show up on time to his meetings, or turn his reports in on the day they were actually due. Heck, Kakashi might do anything if he knew Iruka had won the special raffle....

Still frowning, Iruka bought several tickets and dutifully wrote his name on them. Five of them he put into the ramen raffle for Naruto, and two he put in for a gift certificate to the local bookstore. Last ticket in hand, he stared at the table, trying to decide if he could really bring himself to stick it into the Icha Icha box.

His hand hovered over the box's opening, sweat beginning to trickle down his face. Dare he enter? What would people think if he won? His fingers twitched, and he hesitated, pulling the ticket back towards him. Was Kakashi worshiping the ground he walked on and doing as he'd been told worth it? Would he be able to withstand the "puppy dog eyes no jutsu" when Kakashi begged him to watch it with him? Would he be able to escape the ropes that Kakashi would inevitably attempt to summon after he'd refused a multitude of times? Would he be able to face his class the next day after having been forced to watch the movie in its entirety, most likely at least a dozen times? Would he be able to face Jiraiya, or even worse, Tsunade-sama after watching such an atrocious film?

The image of Kakashi's face, overwhelmed with absolute joy, utter astonishment, and pure, unadulterated perverted bliss flashed briefly in his mind, and a smile came unbidden to his face. For _that_, he could stand anything. He brought the ticket out once again, and reached towards the box.

A deep and booming chuckle behind him made him jump, and, startled, he dropped the ticket in surprise. He turned guiltily to see who had caught him staring at the Icha Icha raffle box.

"I was looking at that myself, Iruka-sensei!! It is good to see a fellow patron of the arts!" A dazzlingly bright smile, a wink and a thumbs up followed this statement. Iruka felt his face grow white. _Dear God, GAI reads porn?_ The beautiful green beast of Konohagure continued on without glancing at Iruka. He put his hands on his hips, beaming at the table lined with raffle boxes.

"I'm glad to see that another teacher appreciates fine hair products as much as I do myself!" Gai beamed down at a confused Iruka, then turned back to the tables. "I always look forward to the raffles at the festival each year! This year they're even better than usual! The hair styling gel, the lifetime supply of spandex, the state-of-the-art toothbrush and teeth whitener toothpaste! Iruka-sensei! I can just picture you now, after winning them all!!"

Both men paused at this thought, and Iruka had the stomach turning image of himself, clad in green spandex, smile bright and gleaming, hair plastered to his head with the gel, and he was doing the 'good guy pose'. He flinched, then turned to look at Gai. The other teacher was wiping away red stains from under his nose with a bright yellow handkerchief, and Iruka blanched, then turned back to the table. He didn't want to even think of what image had gone through Gai's mind...

Gai, after recovering from his massive nose hemorrhage, beamed at Iruka again before cheerfully saying, "Iruka-sensei! Which box did you put your last ticket into? They're all so wonderful! I believe that they're all so wonderful, I'll put a ticket in everything!!"

Iruka watched, slightly disturbed, as the green spandex-clad teacher pranced about the table, using different moves to toss the tickets into every box. Upon completing his task, Gai gave Iruka the thumbs up, wink and smile. Iruka, sweatdropping, smiled sheepishly while trying to edge away.

"Aa, they certainly have gotten several good prizes this year..." Gai, not to be deflected or escaped, brought his arm around to hug the Chuunin to his side.

"Come, sensei! Which was the box you were reaching for? Was it the Gel? The toothpaste? Come now, surely it's nothing to be embarrassed about!!" Iruka flushed, looking down at the table again.

"I... I dropped my last ticket when you frea- I mean, when you came up behind me. I think it... fell into.... that one...." He pointed to the Icha Icha bundle box, trying his best to look absolutely horrified at the thought of it. He knew very well that it had gone in there, as he'd been close enough to the box to see that it would fall in, regardless of how startled he was by Gai's surprise attack. Gai, for his part, looked dismayed.

"NO! This terrible thing has befallen you, my dear sensei, all because I could not hold in the joy of seeing you alone!! It is all my fault!! Never will I forgive myself for you losing you pure innocence and falling from the springtime of your youth! It is unacceptable!!! I am so ashamed!! I must rectify this mistake now!!" Iruka put up a hand to stop him, alarmed.

"Gai-sensei, wait, the-" Gai yelped and jumped back as bolts of electricity sparkled around the lid of the box. The beautiful green beast blew on his fingers as Iruka finished speaking, " boxes have security spells on them so that no one will cheat.. Don't worry though!" he said with a smile, trying to cheer the crestfallen jounin, "I doubt that I'll win- I'm not usually very lucky when it comes to raffles." _Meaning I'll probably win for sure_, Iruka thought with a sigh. He forced himself to smile again, because Gai turned his face back up at Iruka from his slumped position on the ground, and Iruka was startled to see tears streaming down the older man's face.

"Don't worry! If I do win, I'll give it to Kakashi- I know he'd appreciate it." _Far too much, if you ask me..._ Gai's face lit with anger, and he jumped to his feet to shake a fist in the air.

"That cad Kakashi is the one at fault for this!"

"...eh?"

Gai, on a roll now that he'd figured out who the dastardly deed that he'd caused to happen could be blamed on, continued with gusto. "Of course it was Kakashi's fault, tainting you with that impure reading material! He always treats you horribly, and then, to top it off, he abandons you here when you should both be out enjoying the springtime of your youth! The fiend!"

Iruka held up a hand, trying to defend Kakashi.

"Kakashi didn't abandon me, Gai-sensei, he's still at home right now. I'm sure he's going to meet up with me later... He doesn't like festivals very much, but I know he'll come eventually..." _when he realizes I've skipped out on him and have gone off to grade papers._

"Se-sensei!!" Gai got out between sobs, " y-you are so brave! Always trying to look on the bright side of things, even when you are doomed!" Iruka's eye twitched, but Gai continued, oblivious. "It brings me great happiness to see that, despite you troubles you still smile!!" Said smile was getting harder for Iruka to hold, but he was good at straining a smile in the worst of situations- he was, afterall, the lover of Kakashi, copycat ninja and registered disaster.

Gai suddenly moved again, dragging Iruka into a hug usually reserved for times when shedding manly tears with Lee-kun.

"COME IRUKA SENSEI!"Gai bellowed at the top of his lungs while squeezing the air out of Iruka's, " I shall make this up to you! My stupid rival deserted you and left you to this terrible fate, but I shall be with you throughout the evening and see to it that you find some happiness before your purity is forever tainted!!!" Iruka was struggling to get out of the other man's arms and away from the crowd that was beginning to gather around them. If he could get enough air into his lungs and form the right seals, maybe he could hide in a barrel like Sasuke-kun.

"I swear to you that I shall find some way to make this evening more tolerable for you, sensei! Come! I shall win you a stuffed animal!!" Gai said, then released Iruka to put his foot up on the barrel that magically appeared from nowhere and do his "good guy" pose upon. The surrounding crowd clapped politely before drifting away, the show over.

Gai took his foot off the barrel and got out of his pose, turning to look at Iruka.

"We'll enjoy the festival together, since Kakashi was a fool to leave you- Iruka- sensei?" The area where Iruka had been was vacant, the raffle tables only populated by himself and an upset Konohamaru with his trio. The young boy looked up at the teacher, who was turning this way and that, perplexed. At a complete loss, Gai turned to Konohamaru.

"Did you see where Iruka-sensei went?" Konohamaru shook his head, Myoogi sighing unhappily.

"We're looking for Iruka-sensei too. We wanted to talk to him about-"

"About the mean way he treated us! We want him to pay for the horrors he's made us go through!" Gai stopped his frantic searching for the other teacher, squatting down to the children's level.

"Iruka-sensei has been cruel to you? It's not in his manner to even hurt a fly!" The other boy piped up from the back, rubbing a hand under his dripping nose.

"He gave us homework. We have to write an essay about why it's important to be on your guard even when there's a festival-"

"So you see why we're upset!! When you see him, tell him that we're looking for him, and that his time will come! We will have our revenge!" The trio then zipped off again, no doubt off to load up on sugar and blow off their assignment in protest just for the hell of it. Gai, however, was deeply disturbed. He stood up, chin in his hand as he sat down upon the barrel, deep in thought. This did not sound like his dear Iruka at all! Surely they would not only have an essay, but also several hours of practice in jutsu and strength training, as well as book work and concentration drills? That's what he would do, and he was an excellent teacher! So was Iruka, and that's why it didn't sound right. Perhaps something was amiss? Something at home, maybe? Was the young teacher upset? He hadn't been acting right all evening. He gasped, jumping to his feet. Of course! It had to be-

"KAKASHI!!!" Gai shouted out into the night, " I shall find you and make you pay for upsetting Iruka-kun in such a way! You, my eternal rival, shall feel the wrath of Konohagure's beautiful green beast!!" And off he went, in search of his eternal rival and a certain dolphin, dust trail streaming behind him.

Had there been any passerby at the time, they would have jumped as the thumping noise of Iruka's head being repeatedly bashed against the wall of the barrel could be heard.

_**

* * *

In the shadows, heading away from the last scene....**_

So! His love wasn't _at_ the festival yet! He was playing hard to get, was that it? It had to be. No one could resist Kankuro's charms!

He chuckled as he raced through the woods, putting up ofuda around the area to alert him when Kakashi passed. His love was coming at some point, and he had to be ready! Kakashi would be his- after he told him about his former lover's infidelity with the spandex-freak, Kakashi would be more than happy to give up on the other man!

Kankuro grinned to himself, sitting down to think up how he was going to break the news to his love. Operation "Dump the Dolphin" had begun!

_**

* * *

Meanwhile, way above the city........**_

He kept to the shadows, freezing at every sound and holding his breath until he'd made sure the coast was clear. This was a dangerous mission; only one of his caliber could accomplish it. It was an all or nothing job- to be caught without the needed evidence was to be killed instantly. He took one final look around, and then, positive that he wasn't being observed, slipped into the empty room.

It was no easy task navigating the small room in complete darkness, but he _was_ a ninja, so he used his many skills to once again survey the area to make sure he really was alone. A quick check made it obvious that the coast was clear, and he relaxed, making his way over to the windows. Again, he peered out, making certain that no one was looking up his way, and then he closed the curtains as he flipped on the lights.

He squinted in the sudden brightness, but his face soon fell into a grin. The object he had been searching for was a few feet away, and he quickly strode over to the large chest. Confidently, he pulled open a drawer, and let out a small victorious chuckle. Pay dirt!

He ran his fingers through the contents, bringing one of the items up to his face to breath in the scent. Ahhh, Tsunade-chan's secret stash. Long had he searched, and now his efforts had paid off. He allowed his fingers to trace the delicate details and reveled in the sensation of the smooth surface against his cheek. She did indeed wear thongs, despite her absolute denial of it. And, with this evidence in hand, he could confront her, and she'd have to concede that she'd lost their little bet.

Jiraiya chuckled once again, then the chuckling grew louder until at last it was a roaring, annoyingly perverted laugh that resonated throughout the Hokage's chambers. Once out of his system, he felt immensely better, and he squatted down again to rifle through the panties drawer and see what other treasures he could find.

He was in the middle of retrieving a very promising looking tiger-striped article when his hand brushed against something solid, and upon moving the silks away, he found a certain pink scroll that seemed somewhat familiar.... His eyes lit up when he realized what it was. The _Ai no Jutsu_ scroll!! Tsunade had hidden it in her panties drawer, thinking no one in their right mind would ever look for it there! Jiraiya pulled it out, beaming, and gave a hearty roar of laughter. Ha! Who had ever said that he was in his right mind???

His victory was short lived, however, when the door to the room slid open, and a very surprised Shizune and a very pissed off Tsunade strode in. Even the pig, Ton-ton, looked irritated to see him.

Thinking fast, he backed up against the window, putting both hands behind his back and putting on his most charming of smiles. Tsunade continued to glare at him as she stepped further into the room, gently putting the paperwork she carried down on the desk. She eyed him levelly, then looked at the open drawer, then turned her gaze back on him, changing it from "utter contempt" to "Death Glare of Doom". Jiraiya leered back at her, and did the most stealthy ninja-thing to do in a situation like this: he tossed the scroll out the window with one hand as the other came around to his front, panties twirling around his pinky. Tsunade flinched, blanched, turned red, said some very unladylike things, then ordered Shizune and Ton-ton out of the room. If she was going to fall, she'd at least do it with some dignity.

Jiraiya was in heaven.

_

* * *

**Incidentally, right below the above window at the same time**_

Gaara was irritated.

His brother, after having promised that he would stay in the hotel room and wait until his younger brother or sister had returned, had flown the coop. According to the desk clerk, he'd had several coils of rope, some paper, and far too much cologne on as he left, saying he was off to find and capture true love. Temari would be angry when she returned to find that he had left Kankuro alone, but she could deal. The important thing now was to find Kankuro, find Naruto, and get them together so that they could admit their feelings to each other. And Gaara would stay there until they had come to some satisfactory conclusion, or things would get messy. And if things got messy, there would be blood. Oooo, there would be blood...... Lots and lots of blood.... blood blood blood blood blood bloo-

He was snapped out of his reverie of blood and gore when something hit his sand shield and bounced harmlessly to the ground. He stared down at the thing, the garish pink heart flashing back up at him. If he had any eyebrows to raise, he'd raise them. Wasn't this the scroll that had started everything? Wasn't this the same scroll that the Hokage had hidden away to prevent further damage?

Thankfully, no one was nearby to see Gaara's smile. It wasn't emotion number five, it was the psychopathic smile he reserved when disemboweling enemies, and probably would have caused nightmares. He bent down to retrieve the scroll, and pocketed it, continuing on his way to the village and hopefully his two victims. This would be fun....

However, after almost an hour of fruitless searching, he began to feel frustrated. Was he not looking hard enough? Had they already gone of on some Lover's tryst? Had they eloped? Gaara sincerely hoped it wasn't the latter, because he wouldn't know what to get them as a wedding gift- Temari was better at that sort of thing. He was getting frustrated, and he was on a "no kill" promise to his sister for the night. It was the only way she'd told him he could go to the festival, and, though he didn't like it, he'd agreed easily enough.

He was beginning to regret it, though, and his hands nearly twitched with the desire to sand coffin someone. He got his chance when someone ran into him, and he looked down to see that little brat who hung around Uzumaki glaring up at him.

"Watch where you're going, weirdo!" said brat shouted. His two friends, running to catch up, froze as they recognized who it was Konohamaru had run into. The boy, just realizing it himself, make a noise that sounded suspiciously like a little girl squealing, backed up a few paces, shouting that he was too young to die. Gaara, however, ignored him, his interest being caught by the young girl. He stared at her, then strode over to stand above her, looking down at her solemnly as she trembled in her spot.

"What is that, and where did you get it?"

Fifteen minutes later, Gaara found himself at a small table run by an elderly couple who greeted him with broad smiles. He resisted the urge to sigh in jealousy at this obvious insult to his own inability to smile like a normal person, instead turning his gaze to the spread on their table. He moved closer, ignoring the three children who were making their quick getaway while he was preoccupied. He let them go, instead focusing his attention on a small object in front of him. The elder woman bowed respectfully, offering him the small item.

"Ah, hello there, young man! Come to do some art?" Gaara nodded, then too the bottle the woman was handing him. At last, something at this festival worth coming for! He reached for one of the buckets of sand, ready to start his sand art creation, then paused, looking back over at the festival. He really should be looking for his brother and that fox... But.... sand.....

He turned happily back to the table, and picked up a funnel to start filling his bottle. __

_

* * *

_

_Some Parting Notes:_

_So, kiddies, this chapter was supposed to go on for a LOT longer, but I think we'll cut it off here, at a comfortable 20 pages... I hope you enjoyed it though!_

_Now, as for updates- I really WANT to update every few hours, or at the very least every week, however, logistically speaking, I think aiming for every month or even every other month is a 'more likely to get accomplished' goal. School mixed with work and a life can suck away from "quality" fanfic writing time, and then when I do get time to write my muses are usually on strike... Stupid muses._

_Anyway, I also wanted to make a note on the usage of Japanese in the fic. Yes, I know using words like "sensei", "baka", and "che" can make it seem like I'm an amateur fangirl writer, but can you imagine Naruto whining without saying "Ne", or Sasuke insulting Naruto without "dobe"? I used words that I thought would keep the different people I used more in character, not to flaunt the fact that I speak some Japanese. If you thought it made the fic seem poorly written, please let me know, but also think it over as you write your review. I think my logic works, but I never did well making an argument, so forgive me if I make no sense.... --;;;_

_Also, why does Naruto keep capitalizing "Ramen", you ask? Because he thinks "Ramen is Life", remember? Therefore, by Naruto logic, it's worth capitalizing Same thing goes for Gaara and "Love", because he seems to be slightly obsessed with it...._

_One last thing- usually, I try to keep my authors notes from taking too long... After this, I'll refrain from chatting my head away unless there's a major note I need to make, k? Otherwise, comments'll be here, at the end of the chapter._

_Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review and tell me what you liked, disliked, what you think could use fixing and what made you laugh. I'd love to hear anything you've got to say! And, as a special treat, here's a quick summary of what's in store for chapter three!!_

_Ch III -In which the scroll gets passed around, Gaara goes further in his quest to play matchmaker, Kankuro confronts Kakashi, and Iruka has a change of heart!!___


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